


The grey area

by orphan_account



Series: SonShin(e) [6]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Regrets, Resentment, photographer hoseok, showho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-18 01:19:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14201910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Photographer Hoseok is missing his heart.alternatively, Hoseok goes home to confront his past.initially apart of 'showho tokens'





	The grey area

**Author's Note:**

> initially apart of 'showho tokens' but i won't be adding to it. So i'm posting the two fics separately.

_"You love me?" Hoseok giggles, his nose brushing against Hyunwoo’s._

_He doesn't reply. For a brief moment, Hoseok forgets that they're only teenagers hiding their homo love affair in the corners of a scrap yard._

_"Say it,"_

_Plump lips finally surrender, a shy smile blossoming on Hyunwoo’s face,"I love you Hoseok,"_

_Maybe the fact that Hoseok had to ask twice should have given it away._

_Hyunwoo doesn't love him but it's a little too late when Hoseok realizes it._

_He's already given his heart away._

-

Black and white, Hoseok’s photographs are all black and white. It's one or the other or neither with him. Drink in hand, he floats amongst the crowd in the warehouse gallery.

"You don't look so thrilled," Hyungwon points out.

His agent is right, he wasn't and yet all he worked for in the past six months stood in this very room. Merit, yes, that what he wanted. He wanted to be recognized, for the subject of his work and not just the extravagant prices that people paid for them. He's been waiting for their opinion, there two cents but for all the work he puts in, they still refuse to remove their mask. They bore him with their chitchat, their air of politeness and their blatant blindness. They can't see what he sees, they don't feel it.

"You really outdid yourself this time," Roy smiles behind is flute of champagne.

Hoseok doesn't know what to make of that. He's barely twenty-five years old and this is maybe his fifth exhibition.

None the less, over the years, Roy has bought numerous pieces of his work.

So polite he shall be," You think, a lot has gone into it."

Roy laughs as if a joke has been spoken,"Think, what's there to think when in the company of such beauty."

It's like poison slipping into Hoseok's ears. His sharp gaze seems to the catch the gentlemen off guard and Hoseok watches as Roy's smile dilapidates.

The photographer immediately senses Hyungwon's concern. Hoseok delivers a swift bow and excuses himself.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you, huh? Luckily he has many hands that feed him.

Shrugging irritably through the crowd, he soon finds himself under the glow cast by the gallery signage. He may as well go back and play nice but honestly, he wasn't in the mood to talk to anoyone.-Hyungwon included.

"You haven't changed at all?"

Hoseok's ears perk up, immediately spinning around to identify the speaker.

"Professor Han," probably the person Hoseok wants to see the most and the least.

"Come now boy, you're no longer my student. If anything you should be the teacher, my retirement is coming and I could use some financial advice," he jokes, the silver mustache twitching as he speaks.

It's like he's never aged a day past the first time Hoseok's stepped foot in his class. He has the same slouched shoulders, crisp white hair, and thin spectacles as he did then.

"Unfortunately, that's something I'm not too experienced in myself but I can offer the details of my agent," Hoseok replies curtly, a slight smile on display.

but it's like the mist of the night and Professor Han peers through him like he's the light of the morning sun.

Grey eyebrows lax as the curves hidden under the mustache twitch,"You're still looking,"

It's a statement, a long standing one. A statement Hoseok chooses to sometimes ignore but it always comes back around.

"I am,"

Just like Han, his work is no different than what it was in college. It lacks, he lacks but they just find his incompleteness beautiful.

There was nothing beautiful about it.

You have no heart, Han had once told him in a critic but he heard the murmurs of disapproval. His work was beautiful, who cares where his heart is.

Who care's if he no longer has it?

Not the students in his class, not the people spending a fortune to buy his work and definitely not the people having a drink and basking in the false ambiance of his apparent beautiful work.

Not them.

"You've been here too long," Han offers him a smile, the most genuine he's seen tonight," Go home."

-

He messages Hyungwon only when he lands. His neck is still and back is cramping. He was good at traveling, just not for excessive hours anyway.

So it doesn't help that he has to endure a two-hour drive to reach his hometown.

He went on a whim. Nothing more than Han's words had pointed him in this direction. Then again, nobody but Han saw his work for what it was.

Incomplete.

Here he is, on a bus, wedged between two ladies with unusually large baskets of vegetables. The sights of Gyung are not one that attracts many. For the most, it's just open field with an isolated town located smack dabbed in the middle. All around was just fields, they use to refer to it as the golden ring. They use to dream about leaving, escaping the ring and never coming back.

Maybe it was just Hoseok.

He can't be too surprised with the little change. Inside the golden ring, the time had seemingly ceased, people just don't die and the same dogs cross your path each time.

Maybe things have a changed a little.

His mother is fluttering in the kitchen,"You should have told me, I would have cooked your favorites.

His favorites? Hoseok doesn't recall what they were. Food is different in Seoul, not even Kimchi is as good as the one back home. Hoseok had basically rearranged his entire diet when he went to study.

"It's okay Eomma, I don't mind,"

"Oh," she pokes her head into the lounge, her eyebrows creased in concern,"I never tell you did I?"

"Tell me what?"

"Well," his mother steps int the room, the ladle still in her hand,"Hyunwoo, I know the two of you aren't close but your'll use to be inseparable."

Hoseok has to agree, they were close before Hyunwoo tossed their relation aside in favor of starting afresh with his new girlfriend,"Just tell me, Eomma."

She looks at him worriedly and Hoseok thinks the feeling is contagious because he too tenses in concern.

"I don't know why but I thought you came home because of him. It was a drunk driving incident, he lost both his legs. It wasn't him of course, some kid-"

"Hyunwoo wouldn't drink and drive," He speaks with conviction, like he knows Hyunwoo, like he's always known Hyunwoo.

He wonders if he ever did.

-

He's been standing outside the rusted gate for the last fifteen minutes. It seems like anything in correlation to Hyunwoo has changed, drastically. The Son residence had once served as the office for the only lawyer in Gyung, Hyunwoo's father. It was calm with large trees, wide windows, and an idyllic porch. Porches weren't common in Korean housing, the Son residence had been the only one in Gyung to have one.

One summer days, they would lay on their backs and watch Hyunwoo's mother's windchime glimmer in sun.

"Can I help you?" Hoseok looks down at a little person.

A child he thinks," Yeah, actually."

Actually, he has no idea what he's doing here. The chances of Hyunwoo wanting to see him was slim but Hoseok didn't even know if he wanted to see the other. He is here so that probably means he does.

The child stares him curiously, strands of hair flickering in the wind. He can't shake the nostalgic sensation devouring him, more than being home, more than seeing his mother, more than being here.

This child," Your father, I'm here to see you father."

She brightens up immediately, her plump lips revealing a smile that's missing a tooth or two," Really? You're his friend?"

"Yeah," Hoseok hesitates,"I use to be."

She nods cutely, her chubby finger coming to unlatch the gate and Hoseok steps in to help her,"I didn't know Daddy had friends."

Hoseok blinks back in surprise,"He had lots of friends."

They follow the pathway that's flanked by overgrown bushes. There used to be rose bushes but all Hoseok can see in the neglected garden is green.

"But you're the first," she stops and turns to him.

The first? He's mid-step when she bows, her hair bouncing.

"What are you doing?" he has zero experience with children but this was weird.

"No one visits him, except the doctor. He must be lonely without friends," she explains.

That doesn't explain the bow though,"What about you? You have any friend."

"Aha," she nods happily," two."

spinning on her heels, she bolts into the house, signifying the end of their exchange. Hoseok follows quietly, his eyes skimming over each and every aged detail.

"Dad, dad, dad,"

He hears her call out as she speeds up the stairs.

If he remembers correctly, Hyunwoo's girlfriend soon got pregnant after they graduated. Hoseok wasn't invited to the wedding that followed but his mother was.

He doesn't get too far, Hyunwoo's mother seemingly comes out of nowhere to engulf him in a hug,"Oh, my boy.It's been forever."

He hugs back. This house was a second home to him, Hyunwoo's mother took care of him like he was her own.

"Her hands soon comes to cup his face as she looks at him with tears in her eyes,"You look so handsome."

He can't help but blush, the weight quickly dissolving upon his shoulders but it's short-lived.

There's a loud thud, Hoseok can feel the impact from the way the ceiling visibly shakes. Before he can react, Hyunwoo's mother is racing up the stairs. Hoseok is close on her heels, almost colliding with the Hyunwoo's daughter in the space of the hall.

"Ma, Dad's calling-"

Hyunwoo's mother bypasses her but Hoseok stays still, his hands resting on the little girl's shoulder. It's easy to see she's putting up a brave front, her lips quivering but she keeps swallowing the tears.

"He'll be okay," he says, the only thing he thinks he can say in that moment.

"I know," she nods as she looks down,"I have to wait down now."

"Why?" Hoseok shouldn't have.

"He gets angry when he get's hurt, so Grandma makes me wait down,"

"I said leave it!" the voice that unmistakably Hyunwoo's roars.

Hoseok looks up in concern, the child fleeing downstairs.

He shouldn't have come, he shouldn't be here and he sure as hell shouldn't have opened the door.

For a person with no heart, Hoseok feels like it's breaking.

Hyunwoo's body is glistening with water, water droplets hanging from the tips of his hair. Hoseok watches as Hyunwoo's mother struggles to help her naked son, her body far too frail to cope with such weight.

"Why are you so stubborn, you know you can't bath yourself," she complains but Hoseok can see the tears forming in her eyes.

It's back and forth," I said I'm fine, leave me."

But which mother would?

From all the things Hoseok should never do, this has to be one of the top three. He casually enters the room, Hyunwoo's body going rigid, his face warped in anger and humiliation but Hoseok couldn't care less. Before Hyunwoo's mother could complain, he swiftly hooks his arm around Hyunwoo waist and lightly tosses him on the bed.

There's brief silence after that, Hyunwoo's eyes watching the ground as his mother gets to her feet. Hoseok cuts the moment off, not wanting to further wound Hyunwoo's pride. He leaves the room without a word.

Each step down the stairs is slower than the one before it. He can feel Hyunwoo in the warmth of his skin, the way the other's wet body felt limp in his arms. It made his chest tight, painful almost.

"Is he angry?" the little girl peeks around the stairs.

"Kind of," Hoseok replies, not wanting to lie to her.

"I thought so. You want a Yogipop?" she bounces back remarkably fast.

Hoseok doesn't have the heart to say no," Sure."

His mood is immediately brightened upon being presented the frozen yogurt,"You know I would always get the bunny and your father would get the bear face."

"The bear face is my favorite!" she beams as they take a set on the porch just like they use to.

Back then, Hyunwoo called it animal pops. Hyunwoo's mother had a tray of animal moulds but the bunny and bear face was their favorite.

He doesn't remember much about Hyunwoo's girlfriend turned wife, more importantly, he has no idea why she isn't around. She used to live around here, not too far from the school if he remembers correctly.

He can't ask Hyunwoo's daughter that, so that brings him to next question,"What's your name?"

She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand before replying," Shino,"

"Is that so?" he bites his lips.

She nods happily, the yogipop in her mouth.

"That's a pretty name for a pretty girl,"

_The same name we planned for our pretty girl._

It's almost evening when Hyunwoo's mother comes out in search of Shino. She looks at him in surprise, she must have assumed he left. He would have if it wasn't for Shino's company. Mixed up in the chaos, he wanted to distract the little girl, even if only for a little while.

"Stay for dinner," is all Hyunwoo's mother says, her smile weak.

They tip toe around the elephant in the room till the table is set.

"You know how stubborn he is," she mumbles," but he won't listen and he just hurts himself more."

"Maybe you should hire a nurse," he recommends, trying to sound understanding.

"We don't have money for that," she smiles tightly before going back to the kitchen.

That didn't make any sense, he was sure Hyunwoo's father was accumulating a fortune.

"Where's your father?" he asks as he takes a seat.

"He eats upstairs," she replies as she climbs into the opposite chair,"He likes to eat alone."

Alone, it makes Hoseok uneasy. The space where his heart occupies aches, trying to grab onto something but there's nothing but hollowness.

Probably because of the stairs, Hoseok rationalizes, "Let me do it."

He's made enough mistakes, another one wouldn't matter.

"Let me do it," he repeats as approaches Hyunwoo's mother,"He won't see me else wise. This way I have an excuse."

She hesitates but gives in with a thin smile, her fine lines forming wrinkles. She must be exhausted.

He kicks the door with the toe of his sneakers, entering only when Hyunwoo answers.

"Excuse me," Hoseok relies on the basic social skills.

Hyunwoo's eyes never leave him, not when he enters nor when he places the tray on the table Hyunwoo is seated at.

It's like fire burning through Hoseok's being but he feigns indifference,"It's been a while, hasn't it?"

Then too, all Hyunwoo does is watch him as he sits on the edge of the bed, mere inches away from the wheelchair.

"What do you want?" if Hyunwoo was trying to be fierce, he failed.

Hoseok sees right through his act, the same way he saw through Shino's.

_Like father, like daughter._

"Woo," just saying that name strikes an uncomfortable chord,"I just wanted to see you."

"Now you have, leave,"

It only softens Hoseok further, his voice filled with concern,"But I've missed you, we were best friends."

"We were more than that," Hyunwoo growls, catching Hoseok off guard.

He didn't think the older would acknowledge it,"What happened Hyunwoo?"

"Drunken teen slammed into me,"

"I wasn't talking about that. What happened to you," Hoseok tries to be as careful with his words as he can be.

"I stayed Hoseok. While you left, I stayed," he almost sounds resentful.

The big ticket question,"Where's your wife."

He laughs, Hoseok's eyebrows raising as he filters out the bitter emotion.

"You really want to know?" it brings about another mood, Hyunwoo maneuvering his wheelchair to look Hoseok in the eye," She ran away, took all the inheritance and vanished."

Hoseok can say he's sorry but what good would that do,"You missed me?"

The reflection swirling in Hyunwoo's eyes does a three-sixty. The dark mellows out like he can see Hoseok clearer," You know I do."

 _Do I_ ,"I wanted you to tell me. Not like I didn't know."

Hyunwoo immediately understands,"I couldn't, Hoseok. My father."

Yes, Hyunwoo's father who had served as the father figure for Hoseok as well. The crisp suit, polished shoes, silver cufflinks, trimmed beard, he never had a hair out place.

"So you thought it was better for me to believe you just got bored of me, of us,"

The distress is clear on Hyunwoo's face,"Hoseok-"

"I didn't come here for that." Hoseok gets to his feet, looking down at Hyunwoo," I don't exactly know why I came here at all."

"Then you should leave,"

"That's the thing Hyunwoo," Hoseok pours himself out, his knees resting on the floor as he seeks Hyunwoo hand.

Hyunwoo doesn't offer it to him nor does he pull away. He just watches as the skin underneath Hoseok's touch burns.

Hoseok presses a kiss against the bony knuckles,"I can't."

Contradiction, Hyunwoo was filled with it,"Then stay, stay with me,"

He had nothing to lose but he nothing to give either.

A gentle smile graces Hosek's lips as they brush against the back f Hyunwoo's hand,"I've been waiting."

_I've been searching._

It wasn't fair but life was as such and Hoseok couldn't care less. Hyunwoo had brushed him aside and there may be no way to tell if he will ever discard Hoseok again. Hoseok can't answer for any other than himself.

"Do you love me?" he's asked this question already, years ago amongst heaps scrap metal.

Hyunwoo intertwines their fingers, his eyes softening at the warmth of Hoseok's palms against his.

"Tell me," Hoseok nudges.

"I love you Hoseok,"

The truth is, he can't tell if Hyunwoo's speaking the truth, just like back then. It could be a confession of the heart or one in a million lies he's spoken. Hoseok wouldn't know,

But one thing is certain, Hoseok had left this town without a heart. Amongst the fears and threats, Hyunwoo held him hostage in the corners of his own heart. Claiming Hyunwoo was no different than claiming his heart, no different than finding that one element his work has been missing all these years.

They were like conjoint organs, one needing the other one to function. Hoseok needing Hyunwoo to live because he hadn't been alive since he left this place but he is now.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos appreciated. tnx


End file.
